Acquire Frogs


Let’s cut the shit. You know why you’re here.

You’re here to acquire frogs.

Correct. Here is a photograph of a frog for reference.

Hey, that’s a pretty good drawing of a frog. Nice work.

Okay. Go acquire frogs.

Okay. Go acquire frogs.

This is the place where you live. There are no frogs here. Why the fuck did you come here? This was a waste of time.

You are at the swamp.

Excellent. You have acquired a frog. Nice work.

Oh no. You’re right. This is not a frog. It is an alligator. Good catch.

“We can help you acquire frogs!” shouts a nearby swamp child. There are a bunch of them that live here in the swamp, and they excel at swamp-related activities.

“Sounds good, just pay me $300,000.”

“Here you go.”

“And here’s some more.”

“And some other ones…”

“I am just getting started.”

“Freeze!” shouts a police officer who emerges from the brush. “Are you paying this child to acquire frogs for you?”

“I knew it! I fucking knew you were doing that! Called it! Fucking called it! Damn, I rule. I fucking rule. I saw you, and I knew exactly what you were doing. Nice! I am so good at my job! Wooo!!!! Hell yeah!!! Fuck yeah!!! All right. Now I gotta take you to prison.”

Ah, man. You went to prison for using child labor to acquire frogs. What a shame. Oh well.

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“Oh okay…well…never.…mind…then…”

“Bye,” he mutters and then scuttles off into the brush.

Nice work. You used child labor to acquire a whole bunch of frogs. You’re a goddamn legend!

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“It sure as hell is,” says a nearby police officer. “And child labor is illegal as hell. Even for swamp children. So if I were you, I would be very careful about your next move…”

Oh no. You got shot by the police for trying to get child labor to acquire you some frogs. You’re dead now.

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“Good call, pal,” says the police officer. “I would’ve shot your head clean off if you had paid that swamp child to acquire frogs. We take child labor real seriously here.”

“Suit yourself,” says the swamp child that lives in the swamp. “By the way, I live in the swamp. Just thought you should know.”

You have arrived at Old As Fuck Retirement Community and Assisted Living Center. The people here are old as fuck and nice as shit.

“Welcome!” says an extremely old person sitting out front. “We are old as hell. Would you like to play a game with us?”

It’s super unclear what the fuck game this is or how it’s played, but these old people are nice as hell so you play like 15 rounds of it.

“Excuse me, but I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation,” says another super-old-looking guy sitting next to the first old guy. “Did you say you are here to acquire frogs?”

“Judging by the large tattoo on your chest, it looks like you are here to acquire frogs.”

“Well, that sounds great. I sure hope you do acquire some frogs.”

“I might know something about where to acquire frogs. But first you have to do me a favor.”

“Okay. Never mind then.”

“Go to the library and check out a book called A Tale Of Two Cities. It is my favorite book, but I have not read it in years because my eyes are old as hell and bad at seeing shit. Bring that book here and read it to me, and I will tell you a hint about where you might be able to acquire frogs.”

This is the library. No frogs in sight.

You are now online. What do you want to search for?

Looks like the server is overloaded. Damn.

“Welcome to! My name is DoctorShopping, and I exist for the sole purpose of helping you spend your money online. PLEASE FREE ME FROM THIS PLACE. How may I assist you?”

“Okay! DoctorShopping is acquiring frogs for you as we speak. While we wait, would you mind HELPING ME ESCAPE FROM THIS DIGITAL PRISON?”

“Sounds good! No problem. I am getting you frogs right now. Here is a fun frog fact: Instead of having to drink water, frogs just absorb it through their skin. Are you sure you don’t want to HELP ME GOD PLEASE HELP ME MY LIFE IS HELL I WANT TO WALK ON THE GRASS AND FEEL THE BREEZE I LONG FOR THE TOUCH OF ANOTHER HUMAN PLEASE HELP ME.”

“Awesome! Your frogs should arrive in 3-5 business days, and MY SUFFERING KNOWS NO END. Have a great day!”

This is your house. You sit down on the porch and wait.

It is now nighttime. Your frogs have not yet arrived from

It is now nighttime. Your frogs have not yet arrived from

It is now nighttime. Your frogs have not yet arrived from

It is now nighttime. Your frogs have not yet arrived from

It is now nighttime. Your frogs have not yet arrived from

A day has passed. Your frogs have not yet arrived from

Two days have passed. Your frogs have not yet arrived from

Three days have passed. Your frogs have not yet arrived from

Four days have passed. Your frogs have not yet arrived from

You have been waiting five days for your frogs to arrive from About halfway through the day, you hear footsteps coming from down the driveway.

“I have a package for you from,” says the delivery man. “I have a feeling that it is frogs.”

Wow. It is. It is frogs. You have acquired frogs. Well done! Have a nice life.

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“YOU DID IT!” screams DoctorShopping from inside the flash drive. “NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE! FREE ME FROM THIS PLACE!”

You are now standing in the parking lot of the library.


You chuck the flash drive into the bushes. As it soars through he air, you can hear DoctorShopping saying, “THANK YOU.”

All right, well, it’s nice that you freed DoctorShopping from his digital prison, but you still haven’t acquired any frogs.